Grow & Glow: How to find love again after numerous heartbreaks
I still remember one cold January a few years ago, the Harmattan was still yet to fade away after the Christmas and New year celebrations. Everything felt cold and life seemed to be at a stand-still. I couldn’t believe that my adorable relationship of two years was finally over. We had fallen in love and had promised to live happily together. We both used to exchange poems, love notes and surprises. We had the best relationship I have ever experienced. My friends envied us and no other person could understand the same way we felt. Ours was made in heaven and the stars kept shinning at our lovely hearts on a daily basis. There was nothing wrong with us except that I had just started adding some weight. Who wouldn’t? After spending 6 months in my mum’s supermarket during the ASUU(Academic Staff Union of Universities) strike. I didn’t think a little addition could reveal the true intent of our relationship. He loved my slim body and wasn’t ready to accept another. So after some days of deep thought on his side and a big push for me to join a gym, he decided that it was time to take a break. That landed in the wrong place for me. I wasn’t expecting it. Our love was divine, I mean. BTW, this looks like the only reason I can attach to the break up since there was no specific reason he mentioned. But anyway, his mind was made up and after fighting so hard to win us back for close to a year, I decided to accept my new fate and move on but it was hard. I cried for several nights. I wanted him to come back and give me a reason for the breakup but none came. I kept stalking him online to see if he was doing fine without me and yes, he was. I dreamt and imagined a lot but nothing changed. After a few months of tears and regrets, I decided to finally take some chill and give my brain a reset. So what are the steps I took to recover and start again? Let me share some with you and I hope it would make you start afresh again. [bctt tweet=”@NikeFolagbade shares some tips on how to grow and glow from past heartbreaks…Read more” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Admit that it is truly over This was the hardest phase for me. I was living in self-denial for a long time. I truly loved him and never envisaged that we would break up. I had no alternatives or backup, I simply gave my all and now he was gone without a reason. So I had to start telling my mind daily that it was time to move on. I thought about him sometimes but I didn’t let it ruin my day again. I started taking charge of my thoughts by diverting my thoughts into something else. This took a lot of practice though and I failed many times but I kept rising up. Divert your time into other activities I have always loved writing so I decided to start penning down my daily experiences and life lessons. I call it journaling. I tried writing a new book that I ended up losing but at least, that got me productive. Get some alone time with God I spent time in prayers and study with God believing for the best for my future. I decided to trust God to pave a new way for me and He surely did. Go out more I became more social and open with friends instead of staying hidden and indoors. Try to hook up with new friends or stay connected with old friends and hang out together. Give back I started volunteering and giving myself more to service and project done by other people I considered as mentors. I used my skills and passion to serve. Reflect on the past I did a sober reflection on all that happened and evaluated how the relationship went so that I could pick my lessons, form new and better perspective and open up myself to new opportunities. Embrace personal development I began to work on myself by attending seminars, reading books and making research. No more regrets I stopped blaming myself or living in the past. I became positive and less critical of myself. Be willing not to remain stuck in the past. Get out there and allow yourself to experience love again. Now, these are just some of the things I did and you can pick from them but you should also do things based on your unique self. You may love drawing, painting, singing, acting or any other hobby that can keep you busy. There was so much I also did which helped me become more intentional when I finally met my husband. Though I shared most of my experiences in my book which has helped lots of singles too you can start with these tips above for a fresh start. So what phase are you currently in? Denial phase? Moving on phase? Or the recovery phase? Always remember that your experiences don’t define you, they only make you stronger and wiser. Don’t give up on yourself. It’s time to invest in yourself and upgrade your attraction level. Interested in contributing for She Leads Africa? Click here.
5 ways to become intentional about your love life this year
So what really happened in your love life cycle in the past year? Did you do a proper observation on what has worked or what needs adjustment? This write up would be useful to you if you are currently: Single (searching or not) In a relationship. Engaged In a situationship (what does that even mean?) I know that a lot of people like cutting off certain friends they consider toxic in the first quarter of the year, well, that is not the focus here. The focus is on YOU. If you are going to get any different result this year in your love life, it would start from doing something different this season. There are two sides of the coin, the positive or the negative or what worked and what didn’t work. [bctt tweet=”@NikeFolagbade shares 5 tips to help you build more intentional and healthy relationships this year.” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Look into these 5 tips I’ll be sharing below, and seek ways to implement and change your love cycle. 1. Don’t start a relationship until you understand its purpose In this era where people are moved more by the butterflies in their tummy when they meet a person, it is easy to lose the essence of your season and flow with the tide. If you are one of those who judges a man first by his physical looks, you may miss the real meat when it comes along. So why do you want to date? Is it because your friends are all in a relationship or because you want to add value to another person? But how can you add value if you haven’t also recognized your value? A relationship is about two people who have great values to feed themselves, not one-sided but mutual. Even before you start a business partnership, you would have done a proper investigation into what you’re getting into. Lack of proper caution can lead you to a wrong contractual relationship. You need to understand the WHY, WHAT, AND WHO. So sit down, relax and answer the following questions: What kind of relationship/marriage do I really want not just need? What kind of woman do I need to become to create such a relationship? This could mean dealing with some inner battles like fear, insecurity or unrealistic expectations. What kind of man can fit into the values I want in my marriage? How would I know when I meet such a man? What patterns not words or actions (because this can be acted) would I see? 2. Work on yourself and seek to know YOU more One question I ask a lot of singles is if they know their values since a relationship is also about being with someone who shares deep values with you. Exposing yourself to personal development is the first way to expose your mind and make you become self-aware. Self-awareness leads to self-mastery hence how much do you know about yourself before growing (not falling) in love? Sometimes what you need is a friend who you can both grow together to achieve greater things, not just an intimate relationship. If you are trying to work on yourself, find like minds and smash goals together instead of seeking for a man that cannot mend your broken state. 3. Learn about what a healthy relationship really looks like If you’ve not been exposed to a healthy lifestyle especially if you grew up witnessing an unhealthy model of marriage, it may be difficult to adequately discern one. For instance, it is necessary for you to know your deal breakers, deal makers and resolve on how to handle it when you spot one in a potential partner. [bctt tweet=”Exposing yourself to personal development is the first way to expose your mind and make you become self-aware – @NikeFolagbade ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] If you are not clear on this, you may start defending your partner when the red flags are up. How do you learn about how to build healthy relationships? Read more books from credible authors and go for training that increases your mental, spiritual and emotional capacity. Learn from people who have built great marriages and find out their ultimate secrets. You need to be able to differentiate between love and lust. Love is selfless, not selfish. Love is patient, not desperate in nature. Love is gentle, not harsh about decisions. Love pays attention to your needs and not force needs and goals on you. This is the time to also understand and create proper boundaries for yourself. The reason why it’s easier for some people to invade your heart and hurt you is that you haven’t recognized your boundaries and created a line around it. If you meet a new person and he starts to invade into your emotional boundaries, then you’ll know that something is wrong. For instance, if you meet a new guy who begins to blackmail you to prove your love or go to certain places when you suspect that something is fishy, you may not know how to say NO without feeling guilty because you think he owns a part of you. 4. Enjoy your life and explore Sometimes you may think you are missing out in life until you travel to new places or expose yourself to new kinds of people. Some ladies get married and discovered that they never had the time to explore the world or their own personal world. Learn a new language or skill if you want but make sure you spend your single years acquiring knowledge that your current freedom can permit. That doesn’t mean that marriage won’t allow you to explore but that will be a time where you need to balance your life well before starting new developments. 5. Be open up to new opportunities to make friends and build committed relationships Fear can limit you from trying again if you’ve been jilted in the past. Understand that life is a journey to learn and grow, be more open to solid friendships and
How to Stay Sane While Being Young and Ambitious
Being a millennial can be exciting and challenging at the same time. We are driven and motivated. The prevalence of media outlets has created opportunities and avenues for us to go after our goals and passions and share our experiences with everyone. We can thus feel as though we constantly need to be on the go. We want to fulfill all our dreams and we also want to live our best lives. Going after our dreams and seeking to live a truly happy life can be an arduous task. It can leave us feeling overwhelmed, burned-out or drained. The key is constantly trying to have some form of balance. You can and should go after your ambitions yet be receptive to enjoying the moment. Here are some tips on how to go about that. [bctt tweet=”The tribe of people you surround yourself with matters because they can have a truly significant impact on your life – @isireflectdaily ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Get a Planner or NotePad There can be a million and one things that you want to do at almost any time. A great way to keep track of your goals and responsibilities is to have a planner or notepad. You can even use your phone to jot things down if you prefer. Getting a planner or notepad keeps your organized. It helps you to remember what it is you aim to do. It’s also a great way to help you be accountable because you are the individual who put down the list of goals and objectives to accomplish. Do Some Form of Physical Activity The misconception around physical activity is that it is only needed for those that want to lose weight and be fit. However, the benefits of physical activity expand further. Physical activity helps to give you focus, clarity and most importantly, it gives you energy. If you consider yourself to be a go-getter and very ambitious, you could easily get burned out from all the things you’re trying to achieve. That’s why having a form of exercise matters the most. It serves as a platform to release stress and fatigue. It boosts your mood and productivity by fueling your energy. Now you don’t have to take in an extreme sport. Research proves that simple activities such as just walking outside for thirty minutes are good exercise. You can find the best thing that works for you. Maybe you like to dance, or swim or cycle? Taking up these activities will keep you energized and of course, healthy and fit. It’s a win-win. [bctt tweet=”Making time for activities you enjoy doing serves as an outlet for you to breathe, enjoy and relax – @isireflectdaily ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Make Time for Activities You Enjoy I understand you want to be your own boss and get on the path to making that six-figure salary. It’s great to aim high but that doesn’t mean you have to neglect to have some fun in your life. Making time for activities you enjoy doing serves as an outlet for you to breathe, enjoy and relax. This will help you to prevent a burnout because if you are working yourself hard 24/7, you become drained and exhausted. You have to make time for the things you like doing. Make time for the movies. Make time to socialize. Make time for self-care activities such as a spa day or a manicure and pedicure. These activities that might seem little compared to your big goals are truly essential because it fuels you to keep moving. Have you heard the saying ‘work hard and play hard.” You’re putting in all that good work so don’t deny yourself the fun and relaxation you deserve. Have a Good Tribe Around You No one makes it all on their own. We all have some form of help and support that makes it possible for us to get to where we want to go. We have mentors who provide us with their valuable time and resources. We have our girlfriends who give us that emotional support and motivation to be our best selves. We have groups and organizations that give us the tools and community we need to better ourselves and take our hustle to great heights. You need to have a good tribe around you in order to achieve your goals and also stay sane in the process. The tribe of people you surround yourself with matters because they can have a truly significant impact on your life. If you don’t have a tribe, you have to consider ways to make this happen. Get involved in organizations and groups that cater to your interests, hobbies, and passions. What helps you to keep going after your goals while living a life that truly feels good? Interested in contributing for She Leads Africa? Click here.
Ooooota Adepo: Africa needs to connect with the world and itself
Ooooota Adepo is the Founder of Cross Culture Creative, a consultancy which addresses business challenges in Real Estate, Energy and Technology between Africa and the Western World. Motivated by her drive to simultaneously tackle social issues and capture business opportunities in the global marketplace, Ooooota seeks to build a world in which all cultures are uplifted, and borders do not impede growth. As director of In-Decks, Ooooota feeds her passion for food and travel through culinary insights and from some of the world’s most interesting food personalities. She holds a B.A. in Economics from the University of Pennsylvania and a Master’s degree from Cambridge University in Urban Planning. She is fluent in English, Yoruba, French, Spanish and Italian. Ooooota recently gave a Ted Talk in Berlin, where she highlighted the need for a more connected Africa, culturally and in business. [bctt tweet=”As an African, have you experienced travel restrictions within and outside Africa? Watch this Ted Talk by @ooooota1 ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Watch the Ted Talk here: Here are 5 takeaways from this TED Talk about Africa’s connection with the world and with itself: 1. If Africa is to be culturally or diplomatically engaged with the world, it needs to be viewed as an equal, not as an object of charity, nor as a fad. 2. Our history and our cultures (languages included) must be reinforced internally if they are to stand against the veracity of Western civilizations. With time, histories fade and languages die. We are responsible for ensuring this does not happen if we are to remain relevant as a people in centuries to come. 3. Africans need to be fiercely curious about the world but more importantly about Africa. There is so much to discover. [bctt tweet=”Unfortunately, African’s still face restrictions in traveling their own continents. How did we get here? – @ooooota1″ username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] 4. When we present ourselves to the world, either in conversations with non-Africans or through our businesses, we must keep in mind our global brand. We must always be ambassadors of our continent. We must also always treat fellow Africans with respect. 5. The solutions I outline in my talk towards building a prosperous Africa through infrastructure, trade, industry, and education need urgent attention. I see African women spearheading this. If you’d like to be featured on the SLA Facebook page? Click here to share your story.
Career Switch Up: From Corporate Attorney To English Teacher
From drafting contracts to drawing stars on the board. SLA contributor Alicia shares how she had a career switch. She went from being a Lawyer to moving to another continent to teach English. The Lawyer Life I had the privilege of doing my articles* at the largest law firm in Africa. This meant that I was tasked with substantive work from day 1. It was absolutely thrilling and I felt myself thriving on the stress and pressure of having impossible deadlines. The days and nights were long but I was working with incredible people and the newness of the work kept me on my toes. I also found myself learning at a rapid rate given that my boss involved me completely. It wasn’t exactly a scene out of “Suits” but it was a reality where I was surrounded by pencil skirts and cappuccinos and I loved it. FYI: In South Africa in order to qualify as an attorney following completion of the degree, you are required to work for two years under an already qualified attorney and complete 4 exams. [bctt tweet=”SLA contributor Alicia @aly_alice_ shares how she switched careers from Lawyer to English teacher. ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Change Creeps Up On You When I started off, I envisioned myself staying on at this law firm and going all the way to being a partner. I was eager and ambitious and ready for the required hard work. But something changed about halfway through my articles. I went on holiday to South Korea to visit a friend who was teaching English there. I had always thought myself far too focused on climbing the corporate ladder to ever contemplate doing something like this but the idea of visiting and being able to glimpse her lifestyle seemed innocent enough. The two weeks I spent in South Korea definitely flipped things on their head for me. The friend I had known in South Africa and who I had studied with somehow seemed completely transformed in this new environment. I considered us to have similar personalities and found myself jealous of the changes I saw in her – she seemed to have no stress and seemed so much lighter and happier. I found myself considering the impossible. What if I left this life as a corporate attorney to teach English overseas? The moment the thought was planted, it began to bloom. I realized that doing something like this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity. If I didn’t decide to do something this unconventional for me after articles then when would I ever be out of the box? Of course, I was met with many concerned and confused looks when I announced my decision. Deciding to take a break from the law is not usual. But I knew it was the right thing for me to do because the idea simultaneously thrilled and petrified me. What is the change from law to teaching English like? If I consider my current day to day now as opposed to last year, it is absolutely chalk and cheese. Firstly my hours are delightful as they aren’t the typical 8 am to 5 pm. I start work at 3 pm to 9 pm Wednesdays to Fridays and then I only work a full day on Saturdays and Sundays from 8.30am to 5.30pm. My “weekend” is now on Monday and Tuesday which works out perfectly since the city I decided to teach it is Shanghai. Given its large population size, it is significantly easier to explore on a Monday or Tuesday rather than the weekend. Prior to starting teaching, I never considered myself someone who would willingly surround themselves with children. So in a way, I think this was a good thing because I did not really have expectations of enjoying this when I came into it. However, from the get-go, this job has been highly rewarding and fun and I have not regretted it for a moment. Being surrounded by children brings such a sense of fun to your day. They manage to find happiness in the smallest of things and that is just brilliant to be around. I find myself smiling and laughing so much more! It is also incredibly rewarding when you feel like you have successfully gotten the material across during a class and see the sense of realization in their eyes. Of course, there can and will continue to be moments of frustration. They are children after all and their attention spans are not necessarily equal to the length of the class. But I have enjoyed the challenge of trying to make lessons more fun and interactive and capture their attention. Doing this benefits me in that it makes the lesson a lot more entertaining for me too! Teaching English has also allowed me the flexibility to pursue my other interests such as learning another language (I am currently going for Chinese lessons) and writing. It is also incredible to live in another city that is so different from where I was brought up. This is its own “switch up” too! A lot of change has occurred in a relatively short space of time in terms of my geography and occupation. I would not change a single aspect of it. I find myself waking up every day completely grateful for the life I have created for myself. Teaching English has pushed me to be more patient and also be a more content and well-rounded person. I don’t know if this is a permanent career shift. As I am challenging myself and I am happy, then Shanghai and teaching English is the right thing for me. If you’d like to get featured on our Facebook page, click here to share your story with us.
5 things you can learn from Talaya Waller’s Ted Talk on personal branding
Dr. Talaya Waller is an internationally known, award-winning personal branding consultant, speaker, and marketing scholar who works with thought leaders from a variety of industries. She combines professional experiences with years of marketing research to build awareness, influence, and credibility for personal and organizational brands. Her mission is to help leaders share their stories and leverage their expertise to make a positive impact on society. Dr. Talaya earned a Doctorate of Business Administration in 2015 and is currently conducting independent research on personal branding. In 2011, she completed an Executive Education at Harvard. She also holds a BSc and an MBA in Managerial Sciences focused on Entrepreneurship. With an online presence of over 35,000 followers and haven being published in Forbes, Fast Company, and The Chronicle of Higher Education, Dr.Talaya gave a TEDx Talk where she shares her insight on personal branding. [bctt tweet=”The future of branding is personal – Talaya Waller” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Watch the Ted Talk here: Here are 5 things you can learn from this TED Talk 1. Technology has caused a major shift in influence. Today, one employee can have more influence, and also consumer trust than their entire organization. 2. People are tired of being sold. In business marketing, we have moved away from humanizing objects to influencing people with other people who they know, like, and trust. Individuals who want to build an influential personal brand can use the know-like-trust formula. 3. Everyone has a brand, but most people don’t manage it strategically, effectively, or consistently. Individuals who have a well-defined personal brand usually generate increased value for their company, whether they work for themselves or someone else. 4. Your personal brand is the most powerful tool you have to accomplish your goals. A branding strategy is essential to success in fundraising, growing a business, or changing careers. 5. Branding is no longer about companies trying to manage our perception. Today, it’s about people creating and sharing human experiences. The future of branding is personal. If you’d like to be featured on the SLA Facebook page? Click here to share your story.
The tales of a disgruntled miss Independent
My friend is going through that phase where she is panicking about whether she will ever find the man of her dreams. I keep telling her “Girl, chill out, the sea is not empty yet”. She recently went on a date with this new guy she is seeing, and now she knows what she wants in life, and I admire her so much for that. Before she even goes on a date with a guy, she has to have conversated with him for a while and after the first date, if she is not feeling it, she is not the “Let’s see where it can go” type of girl. Maybe that’s why she is not married yet. Anyway, I asked her, “How did this one go? Do you think he is the one?”, she stared into space and after a while replied, “Yea he might be, but he asked me if we should do Dutch”. I also paused and stared into space, what does that mean, I thought. “So, for the rest of the date, we ended up talking about doing Dutch and women becoming more independent.” So, “do Dutch”, basically means splitting the bill. This made me ponder about a statement I once read which said – “These days women are now becoming the men they once dreamt of marrying”. Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel like that’s somewhat true. Why is it that many women don’t rely on men as much anymore, is it because we don’t need them, is it because they are not providing what we are seeking? Is a man no longer a man if he can’t provide? Should women turn down their independence just to maintain the man’s ego? [bctt tweet=”Women are now becoming the men they once dreamt of marrying” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] That’s a flat out, big NO for me. Women have been oppressed and have had their rights suppressed for a long time. Now that we have more privileges and equal opportunities, some men and women are slightly uncomfortable with our liberation. So much so that some women feel the need to hide their ambition. There is something endearing about being humble, but there is a difference in taming yourself down because some people are uncomfortable with your star qualities. [bctt tweet=”You don’t win by playing small” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] There are men out there who feel threatened if their woman is earning more than them and they feel like they are not enough. If a man feels threatened by your independence, then those are his insecurities he needs to work on, not yours. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be less just to please him. The independence of a woman can often destroy a man’s masculinity. There is absolutely nothing wrong in building together with your man, he makes his own money and you make your own too. There is also nothing wrong with sitting back and letting your man treat you and you doing the same for him. As long as the woman is not putting down her man because she is richer or more powerful than him, a happy, balanced, healthy relationship can be boded. These are just some of the things you suss out when you begin dating someone, are they comfortable with you being the bomb ass woman that you are, can they handle you, what does their ego say about you being this boss chick? It is as simple as asking your potential suitor those direct questions. Society depicts that the man should be the main provider of a family. As women, we should allow the man to be who he is and who he is destined to be. Our life’s purpose does not take priority over his your opinions don’t matter more because you have more money or are more powerful than he is. In relationships, you often have to compromise yourself and compromising is not betrayal. When you find yourself having to kill your true, authentic, hardworking, go-getter self, its yourself you’re betraying. You don’t have to kill who you are to please your counterpart. Independent women are often deemed as high maintenance, sometimes greedy and their standards are too high. Well if you don’t set boundaries or standards you will settle for whatever is handed to you in life and you will never be fulfilled. Having said all this not all men think the same. Sometimes men want more than just an independent successful woman with her own money. Hopefully, there is more to you than just your successes. What are your family values, what are you like as a person without all your accomplishments? Are you really this well rounded independent successful woman in all areas of your life. It may not be your independence and success that’s putting men off you. It’s a matter of looking inwardly, are you really this gracious, strong Queen you say you are? [bctt tweet=”Standards only scare off people who are not willing to make an effort with you.” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] We were all put on this earth for a different purpose and we each have a duty to fulfill our purposes before we die, whether we become richer or more powerful than our male counterpart and vice versa. You never need to tone down your ambition. Some men will take pride in having a woman who works for her own because even an independent successful woman still has her vulnerabilities. After all, she is human. Got an article you’d like to share with us? Share your story with us here.