Eva Toby: How To Stay Empowered When You Feel Life Sucks!
Eva Toby is an Amazon Bestselling author, media personality and presenter. With a degree in psychology and Masters in Social Work from the University of Michigan, and an MBA, Eva is passionate about helping women and young adults bring clarity to their purpose. She is the creator of The Purpose Blueprint: 7 Easy Steps to Clarity. Eva has been featured in Genevieve Magazine, Afro Elle, Spice TV, LA Talk Radio, WHPR and more! Eva is 6ft tall and has modeled part-time for the past 10 years as a car model for Ford, General Motors and Chrysler, getting premier access to some of the fastest cars in the world. In this article, she talks about overcoming challenges and finding her purpose. On creating “The Purpose Factor” book… If someone had told me several years ago I would be a best-selling author and purpose pusher, I probably would have laughed. However, it’s always fascinating how God truly knows things way ahead and has greater purposeful plans for us even when it comes out of tragedy. I was led to create The Purpose Factor book after the sudden death of my dear cousin in 2014. With my emotions being all over the place from a state of shock, sadness, and confusion. I found it really hard to cope after experiencing such a significant loss. I remember one day picking up my bible to read for encouragement, and it was at that moment these notes had fallen out. The notes were actually from a message, two years prior, that I’d shared with a youth group at church about the significance of living life to the fullest and making your time here on earth count! [bctt tweet=”There is no growth in your comfort zone – @evatobyXE” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Notably, I’d read my bible so many times prior to that and never realized I kept those notes tucked away in my bible binder. It just goes to show the significance of the timing. At that point, I remember this resurgence of passion and desire of sharing with the world the Power of Purpose. And I wanted to get the message across that each person on this earth is valued and has an assignment. I realized how life is so precious and fragile. And that ‘Time’ is not money but life! Hence, it is imperative that we maximize our time here in order to be of value and impactful. The Purpose Factor book was dedicated to my cousin who indeed lived life to fullest and impacted so many lives. On facing life challenges… The past few years have indeed been life changing and challenging to say the least. From the loss of my cousin, and then another cousin. And then, I lost my father in 2016. Experiencing such significant losses in a span of a few years has been indescribable. Couple that with trying to stay focused on building my brand/business, it was not easy. But one thing I learned through this process that keeps me going is that even in pain there is still a purpose. As painful as the process has been, I realized God still has me here for a reason and wants me to keep going. [bctt tweet=”I firmly believe that passion is for “yourself” while purpose is for “others” – @evatobyXE” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Perhaps there may be someone out there that will hear my story and be encouraged to keep going despite the circumstances and challenges they are facing. I learned that in life we all have seasons, and every season has an expiry date. It is the endurance during those seasons that prepares and makes us stronger for the rest of our journey in life. 3 ways women can stay empowered… Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, broken relationships, loss of job, or personal struggles, rough times happen to everyone at some point in life. Trying to remain hopeful and positive through it all can be challenging. Especially when overshadowed with feelings of confusion and loss which begin to resonate so deeply. [bctt tweet=”Never curse the process! Your purpose is a product of the process – @evatobyXE” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] While you may feel like you are in a hopeless space it is essential to be reminded you are not. You are in a season of transition and need to remember there is a breakthrough on the other side of the breakdown. Below are 3 ways you can stay empowered when you feel life is taking its toll on you: 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings Almost everyone at some point has had that feeling of hopelessness and despair. The truth of the matter is that it is OK. We are all human and embracing your vulnerability is the first step to reclaiming your power. Remember acceptance is not a sign of weakness and by no means an indication that you don’t desire change. But rather than suppress those feelings, acknowledgment gives you the confidence to deal with them and start making a way for something new to emerge in your life. 2. Have An Attitude of Gratitude There is so much power when we cultivate an attitude of gratitude in our daily lives. Research studies have shown the positive impact on people who focus on gratitude. Gratitude facilitates increased self-esteem, optimism, happiness, improved mental health, progress towards goal achievement, increased energy and more. Therefore, it is important to start making gratitude a daily ritual. You can start by creating a gratitude journal for yourself. Each morning and/or evening tries to think of at least two things you are grateful for in that moment. 3. Look for Opportunities of Growth When life hits us hard, we are often led to start with “why me?” or “why is this happening?” It’s natural at first but if we dawdle in this space for too long, it can lead us further onto the pathway of self-pity. Hence the importance of changing the narrative from “why” to “what”. Start thinking about “what”
Ekemini Dan Abia: I decided to help people identify potential abusers through Abuse survivor
Ekemini Dan Abia is a legal practitioner who got inspired by her work in the criminal justice system to create a community which supports and educates victims of domestic abuse through her Instagram page, Abuse Survivor. Abuse survivor aims to create awareness of the damaging effects of domestic abuse by educating members of the public, using Narcissism as a subject. She believes that helping individuals understand narcissism can greatly reduce domestic abuse in the home and its result in the larger society. Through Abuse Survivor, she identifies potential abusers and identifies abuse dynamics. She also provides materials and support for the recovery of survivors and counsels victims of all forms of abuse. What has been your biggest achievement as a prosecutor? Watching adults, children, as well as pre-teens who are victims of sex offenses, look their abuser in the eye and testify against him or her in open court. I am filled with a sense of accomplishment because I know that the person is taking back his or her power and getting out of the abuser’s control. What prompted you to start the platform Abuse Survivor? I was deeply shaken by the death of Ronke Shonde in 2016, who was allegedly murdered by her abusive husband. Reports of spousal abuse/homicides seemed to increase in 2017, and I recall asking myself “why couldn’t they heed the red flags before walking down the aisle”? So I decided to help people identify potential abusers and also highlight the long-term effects of remaining in abusive relationships on adults and children. I came to realize that a large percentage of those convicted for violent crimes are products of dysfunctional home environments and are people with unresolved childhood trauma. The pain and anger they carry around makes them gravitate towards crime or other anti-social behaviors. Knowledge of the above facts propelled me to create Abuse Survivor. Are you an abuse survivor yourself? Yes. I have been a victim of malignant narcissistic abuse. How do you vet the authenticity of the stories people send to you since its all done virtually? Most stories sent to us are accompanied by imageries which are very compelling with the victims pleading for their anonymity. I ask certain question which aims to validate their assertions without leaving them feeling we disbelieve them. It calls for tact and sensitivity, else we could leave a victim of abuse with invalidated feelings which is against everything we stand for. Would you consider yourself to be a social entrepreneur and if so, what would you say is the most challenging part of this role? Yes, I do. We live in a society where an in-depth discussion of abuse is given a passing interest, thus accessing funds to have more impact has been really challenging. Like most start-ups, this is the biggest challenge I have faced so far. You use NARCISSISM as a subject to educate your community. How has this impacted them positively? Lots of people have undergone narcissistic abuse without knowing it. As a result, they lived in utter confusion, depression and other health complications which is characteristic of victims of narcissistic abuse. Watching some members of our community gain clarity, stop blaming themselves and take control of their lives has been very fulfilling. Since starting the platform ‘Abuse Survivor’, have you had any support from anyone? And how has this contributed towards your success? A survivor of narcissistic abuse, who is also a member of our community reached out to me sometime in February 2018. Although living in the UK, she volunteered to build a website for our community. I am very grateful for this gesture. She has also become one of our resource persons. She is always on standby with brilliant and innovative suggestions. Having her as a support system right now propels me to keep doing what I do. What is the one motivation that gets you up every morning? I wake up every morning with the zeal to put out more information in order to reach more people. The knowledge that far too many people in our society are ignorant about narcissism motivates me. What is one piece of advice you would give to a woman suffering from domestic abuse? I would tell her that she is stronger than her abuser is trying to make her feel. All she needs to do is to see herself the way God sees her and learn to love herself. Only then will she have the strength to walk away for herself and to provide a better environment for her children (if she is a mother). How do you juggle your full-time job with managing your platform? To be candid, it is very tasking. However, it is easier because I am passionate about this topic and my full-time job inspires me too. I make time in the early hours of the day from 4 am to 6 am to plan my content. That way, members of our community never experience content drought. You currently run Abuse Survivor solely on Instagram. Any plans to move it to another platform? (Website, blog etc). Right now, we are working on our official website. We plan to make use of other social media platforms while retaining Instagram as our primary means of reaching out to members of our community. Do you ever meet with the women whose stories you share? The vast majority of those who share their stories in our community are impossible to meet geographically because they do so from all over the world. However, I have met a handful of them and they are the most resilient women I have ever met. What future plans do you have for ‘Abuse Survivor’? My vision is for Abuse Survivor to become the number one support system and resource outfit for victims of any form of abuse in Africa. We plan to innovate along the way. What’s your favorite book / Ted Talk of all time? My favorite book is Chimamanda Adichie’s ‘Purple Hibiscus’. I think that is where my interest in domestic abuse was
7 Lessons MotherlandMoguls can Learn From Meghan Markle
Well, she is no longer just Meghan Markle. She is now Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Sussex. I love weddings, but boy I love a royal wedding. They happen once in a while but they always linger for long. Nobody could distract me as I watched Prince Harry and Meghan tie the knot in May. From the carriage to her page boys and little brides, spectacular floral arrangements, and silk minimal dress, everything. Meghan Markle was fascinating! The more I read about her, the more inspired I am by her story. She reminds me of two powerful women in the Bible, Queen Esther, and Ruth. Like the two women, her life is far from perfect- yet she is now the embodiment of royalty, purpose, and confidence. Here are lessons every woman can learn from Meghan’s page. Your Past Doesn’t Define You If it was up to royal protocol, Meghan wouldn’t be ‘Her Royal Highness’ now. She broke all protocols –she is a divorcee, raised by divorced American parents; one being African American. Yet that didn’t in anyway stop Prince Harry from marrying her. The past has got nothing on you. It can’t stop God from blessing you, giving you a new title and changing the course of your destiny. Stay Positive Meghan is the daughter of Doria Ragland, a social worker and yoga instructor and Thomas Markle, a daytime retired lighting director. Maybe she never thought that she would one day end up in the palace; not even as a distant relative. You can imagine how awful her parent’s divorce must have been for her. She was just six years old and the youngest of her two older paternal half-siblings. But that didn’t stop her. Surely she was remarkably positive and that mindset paved the way for a bright future. Don’t Laze Around Waiting For Prince Charming To Sweep You Off Your Feet Meg wasn’t sitting around waiting for a Prince to find her. Before meeting Prince Harry, she was a successful actress, UN ambassador, and blogger. It takes a lot of guts and hard work to reach certain heights where the world can’t help but identify with you. Meghan Markle was literally a chaser of knowledge in every aspect of her life. Meghan’s humanitarian work and passion for helping people especially women and children align perfectly with her husband’s charity work. That’s a power couple if you ask me! Don’t Fall For The Pressure The media hasn’t been nice to Doria Ragland, Meghan’s mother and only family member present on the wedding. Didn’t she have cousins, aunties, and uncles? In a world where numbers are deemed prestigious, Meghan only had her mum by her side. Sometimes all you need is that one person who has kept it real from day one. Don’t Give Up On Love Meghan had been in a relationship with Hollywood actor and producer Trevor Engelson in 2004 which resulted in a marriage in 2011. The marriage lasted only two years after which their divorce was completed in 2013. Since June 2016, Meghan has been in a relationship with Prince Harry, after they met on a blind date set up by a mutual friend. Last month, they made it official. I’d bet on my chocolate (Trust me, chocolate is the next best thing after my son) that her ex-husband wishes he hadn’t let her go. If only he knew what life had in store for her! She didn’t let the divorce stop her from falling in love again. And look what a fairytale ending it is! Keep Smiling Go ahead and have a look at that sunny smile. You would think that after being officially crowned a member of the British Royal family and the Duchess of Sussex, that she would show less of her teeth. Not Meghan! She is giving us the whole shiny set. If you ask me, that is how you know a confident woman who is truly being herself, not caring if she’s royal or not. You don’t know how much good a smile can bring your way. Apart from keeping you young and radiantly beautiful, you just might attract a handsome prince! Keep It Simple It’s a wedding! A royal wedding but Meghan isn’t moved by the fact that the whole world stood still for her. She appeared in a low bun, with pieces of hair falling out of place and proudly rocking her freckles. You could hardly spot any make-up and a dress that was simple but gorgeous. Do I have to add that her dress was modest and that there were no boobs or other assets on display? She wasn’t seeking to impress anybody. Except for her Prince of course. If he thought she looked amazing, it doesn’t matter what the rest of us think. Click here to share your story with us and get featured on our Facebook page.
How to survive The Big F word — Failure
The moment you hit rock bottom is not a very unique experience. Although the actions were taken after the realization vastly differs from one person to another. For me, it was while watching a very romantic movie, the kind of movie where the guy races through traffic to get to the airport so he can finally pour out his true feelings to his dream girl. He just manages to catch her at the ‘check-in line’, runs up to her, grabs her and begs her not to leave. She looks deep into his eyes, doubting him, doubting everything and then all of a sudden. BOOM! He gets down on one knee and proposes to her with his Grandma’s wedding ring. Romantic right? And yet, I couldn’t figure out why it was at this exact moment that I started to cry like someone stole my cat or something… It was a few light tears at first…then it turned to real sobbing. At that moment I realized that: This movie is so corny, no guy would make it through traffic in time to get the girl – not Kampala traffic anyway, plus we have only one airport! My tears, these tears, had nothing to do with the movie and everything to do with the fact that I was failing at life…with a capital F! I was exhausted and starting to hate this dream I’d been pursuing what felt like an eternity. I’d been working myself to the bone, but nothing seemed to be going right. I’d received negative client reviews, was behind on important production deadlines, my landlord was starting to begin all his messages with scary sentences like “If you do not pay by the close of business today…” It was hard, really hard but if you’re an entrepreneur, failure isn’t a choice, its part of the game, it’s how you learn and if you’re smart about it, it’s how you grow. Failure is the big “F” word one no one wants to talk about. The time you didn’t meet a client’s expectations so they decided to go with a competitor. That time you couldn’t make the payment. When you took the business loan and didn’t anticipate how the market would react to your product. That time your marriage fell apart leaving you with a broken heart and nasty attitude to boot! [bctt tweet=”As an entrepreneur you need to know failure intimately, take it out on a few dates and study it!” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Much has been said on the subject, some believe there’s only one correct way to fail in business. Fast and hard, get all the pain out as soon as possible and then try again. As an entrepreneur you need to know failure intimately, take it out on a few dates and study it! Why did you fail? How did you fail? Did you pass the buck or were you just distracted? Should you be in this business? Are you disciplined enough to handle the responsibility? Failure isn’t glamorous, often times, it’s ugly and it’s really messy. Kind of like your ex! So here are a few tips from someone who’s had a taste of it and still has a huge bowl to get through; 1. The x + y = z of it. The only way to get really good at something is to fail at it enough times that you finally get the formula. When you fail, you must have the courage to distance yourself from it. You must understand that you aren’t a failure simply because you failed at this thing. Understand that it’s part of the journey to becoming one of the greatest. You must get up, dust yourself off, cry a little, or maybe a lot, and then try again. 2. You must not wear failure as an identity. I’ve met a lot of people that have failed at something or the other in their lives and have turned it into an identity they walk around with. They pull it out at appropriate times when the gathering is big enough so everyone can see how well they failed. They have it at the ready to “warn” others who might actually try to pursue that same treacherous path. They have horror stories with examples all the way from China! Do not pay attention to that fear, use those horror stories as markers and pointers for your own journey. You’ll learn that like in all the Hollywood horror stories, you never ever go to the basement parking lot alone!!! Bottom line is you’ll learn. 3. Failure is evidence that you actually tried at something. Many would-be entrepreneurs are stuck in the zone between having a really great idea and having the courage to do something about it. For most, the fear of failure is stronger than the possible joy that could come from winning. You tried and you failed, now all you have to do is try again. 4. The F-word means you’re badass. The people we celebrate, the greatest entrepreneurs the world has ever known built their empires amidst great odds stacked against them, and most importantly, did not let failure stop them. So, why should you? A quote from the book “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coehlo dedicated to all those entrepreneurs that have faced a few setbacks in the first half of this year and need a little more courage for this next half; “What you need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the soul of the world tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.” Want to become an SLA contributor? Send an
How to avoid The Masquerade of Multitasking
[bctt tweet=”In today’s world, multitasking has become a necessary evil” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] The last time I wrote about our natural abilities to want to achieve more by doing more or taking more jobs, I had a number of people drop their comments. One particular one stood out. It read, “I can relate to this Sewa. I have so many of them around me, especially at work, and I thought how is it that a number of us do the work of a computer and expect to achieve more”. If there’s anything I know, it is that you can’t achieve more by doing more at the same time. Well, except you are prime in delegating duties accordingly. Before you misjudge me, you should know that I’m a fan of getting things done on time, however way I can. Multitasking has saved me many times whether it is about a task or an appointment. At least that’s about the most possible way to go around getting things done, especially if you live in a city like mine, where everything seems to be a competition. It just is not efficient. So, for my business people, this is something we brag about, “I’m multitasking”. It’s like a hard working to do. Cambridge Dictionary says this means “Multitasking is a person’s ability to do more than one thing at a time” but Merriam Webster captures my thought more by referring to it as “the concurrent performance of several jobs by a computer”. Without seeming too stiff-necked about this, I’ll explain a personal situation. Although it delivers, my computer slows down each time I put it to do multiple things at the same time. Which tells me, that, it’s ability to multitask does not validate its ability to deliver at an expected prompt time. This technically means also, that, even if you can take on so many things at the same time, you can be guaranteed that some other necessities are paying dearly for it. In today’s world, however, multitasking is almost a necessary evil, and if you’re like me, you’ll almost beat yourself each time you realize one thing is stalling the other. So, here are two things I recommend you do when there’s so much to do at a given time: Delegate Please don’t argue, just delegate. The major problem we have as humans are, we think nobody can do it like we can (especially detail-oriented people like me). We keep taking on more duties until we break down. How about you pick one person at a time. Take them through your way of getting things done. Let them have access to you through questions. This way, you can breathe when you need to. There’s a reason the word TEAM exists. Someone says it means ‘Together Everyone Achieves More’. Arianna Huffington of Huffington Post liked to do more work, but until her health was at stake, she didn’t realize her need to breathe or at least take a rest. I also watched some CEOs interviewed very recently. One of them was asked what part of his job makes him lose his sleep, his answer was none. The truth is, work has always existed and it would continue to exist with or without you. You gotta do it right – for yourself. Prioritize Even though some things need to be done at the same time, not everything needs your attention urgently. The difference between what’s urgent and what’s important is that one needs immediate attention while the other necessarily doesn’t. According to The Eisenhower Decision Matrix, there are better ways to have a progressive life than feeling sapped and strained all the time. Hence the theory of the 4 Quadrants of productivity. He says, People who spend most of their time working on Urgent but Not Important tasks often suffer from the “Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome,” and want to constantly please others at the expense of their own happiness. We all work at organizations and may be able to relate to this. The idea is to know what’s yours to do and do it right. Your ability to prioritize right would lead you to know what’s up for possible delegation and what truly needs your attention. My question is this, would you continue to allow the masquerade of multitasking hunt you? Will you continue to live through the façade of doing different things at the same time when it really is not efficient? Would you get out of the cloak of inefficient hard work to be more, by embracing efficient smart work? Here’s hoping you’ll make one of your best decisions in 2018 to make working more fulfilling. Ciao! If you’d like to get featured on our Facebook page, click here to share your story with us.
How to be a BAWSE: Lily Singh’s best tips on how to conquer life
Lily Singh is best known for her Youtube channel Superwoman which has over 1 billion views and has featured guests ranging from Michelle Obama to Zendaya. Her book, How to Be a Bawse: A Guide to Conquering Life describes a BAWSE as a`a person who exudes confidence, reaches goals, gets hurt efficiently, and smiles genuinely because they’ve fought through it all and made it out the other side`. She emphasizes that life is not about surviving but rather taking the decisive steps to have more effective control over your life, choices, and actions. Here are some of our favorite tips from the book to get you started on your ride to be a BAWSE. Conquer your thoughts We are the products of our thoughts, what we think affects how we treat others and allow others to treat us. Conquering your thoughts put you in charge of yourself. It means being accountable for the things you say and do. So when you find yourself in a situation that challenges you or makes you feel a certain way ask yourself WHY you feel a certain way, WHAT made you perform a certain action, and HOW you could do things differently. The information you discover is powerful because it helps you to discover patterns and in turn use your mind productively and efficiently. Words lie, actions lie too, but consistency speaks the truth Now if that line doesn’t speak truth to you, I don`t know what will! Consistency is key: people determine who you are depending on what you do. If you are always late to meet that deadline or never do that task you said you would do, people will come to know you as the unreliable person. That is not the reputation you want to have. Consistency and habits breed good behavior, you begin to create patterns that show people that they can trust, rely and count on you. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to show people who you are and then keep showing them. Seek out situations that make you uncomfortable Comfort Zones: we love them, they make us feel happy and safe. When we are in a situation that we do not feel is tailored from us we tend to panic and act out. We basically do not cope because it is not the reality we know or are used to. Use an uncomfortable moment as a learning tool, what does it say about you, what are you doing to address this uncomfortable situation. What can you learn? Being uncomfortable does not mean sit back and refuse to do anything, just because its no longer the norm for you. You have to be proactive, take matters into your hands, see what difference can come out of this experience. If you want to stay in the league, keep up to date on the game Learning is a lifetime process. There is always room to further your education and skills, no matter how high up the career ladder you get. Do not become too self-assured that you do not think you have any more lessons to learn. Learning more about advances in your field can help you shape your goals, enhance your career and keep you above the rest. Do not presume you know it all or that you have become an expert whose opinion is the only one that matters. Take time to refine your skills and competencies. This does not just refer only to taking short or online courses to nurture and grow your skills, it also refers to the lessons you can learn from others around you. A brilliant quote from the book is “Being the dumbest person on your team doesn’t make you a stupid person; it means you are smart enough to select people to work with you can learn from”. This means surround yourself with people you can learn from. Asking questions when you don`t know is not a shortfall, it is dedicating yourself to learning something new. Don’t be afraid to ask for things. The worst that will happen is that you’ll be told no! Too often than not, we tell ourselves `no` before we even do what we wanted to achieve. We become the roadblocks to our own goals. But, what if you denied yourself a yes, an upgrade or a promotion? ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. It is a famous line for a reason. If you do not ask, you will never get what you want. You do not even open yourself up to the option of getting it. Do not be afraid to put yourself out there, to request for more when you know you deserve it. Sure, we are all scared of rejection but that allows us to adjust and try again with something better that works. A Motherland Mogul knows her worth and when to ask for it to be respected. Do not talk yourself out of asking for that raise, state your case and demand your prize. You may just surprise yourself by getting exactly what you asked for. Got an article you’d like to share with us? Share your story with us here.
Vulnerability: Your key to smashing goals this year
[bctt tweet=”To be Vulnerable means to be open to all of life’s experiences ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Ours is a generation of people striving to make their lives look perfect all the time. We post pictures, we update our statuses, we buy new things with the idea that maybe if it looks perfect enough, it will start to feel perfect. We don’t know how to handle feelings of uncertainty, unworthiness, loss, heartbreak; so we post more pictures and look even more perfect…sounds familiar right? Our inability to accept the messiness of life, the ‘imperfection in ourselves’ and the fact that sometimes we’re all just little kids trying to make friends on the playground has affected our quality of life and our ability to truly engage with each other. The average 20-something- year- old knows exactly how much money they want to earn, by what age they should be married, how many kids they intend to have, where those kids will go to school…all this with a flat tummy, gorgeous skin and long natural hair! It’s a lot on any one’s plate and has made life this series of ‘check-list moments’. It’s no wonder new year’s resolutions have been given a bad rap over the years, it stopped being about ‘the magic of new beginnings, the chance to hit the refresh button and start all over again’, and instead started being about self-reprimand, self-hate, and comparison to others. In her brilliant book, “Daring Greatly”, Brene’ Brown explores how striving to achieve your goals requires an openness to being vulnerable. The ability to stand up and say, “January hit me hard, I wasn’t prepared for some of the things life threw at me, I missed the mark and now, I must start afresh”, can affect your quality of life and ability to truly engage with other people. Our generation is afraid of vulnerability, and for good reason, we’ve all been told we are too much of something to achieve something bigger than ourselves; too short, too fat, too loud, too broke, etc, and as a result, more and more people are afraid to even try, and those that do, are afraid to try at things that really matter- those big hairy audacious goals. According to Brene’, “Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness, will we be closer to the infinite power of our light”. To be Vulnerable means to be open to all of life’s experiences from a place of worthiness and self-love, not self-hate. [bctt tweet=”You are enough!” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Vulnerability is: Starting over after that first business failed. Speaking up about your relationships so that every abuse you experienced is never repeated. Asking for more money, time, attention…if it is what will fulfill your needs. Saying no to anyone who crosses the boundaries set in your relationship. Committing to going to the gym after having fallen off your ideal weight. Asking for help. Presenting your product to the world and getting no response. Having faith. Saying ‘yes’ to love after a major heartbreak. Admitting you do not know what to do, and then looking for the answer. Letting go of some people because your business cannot afford it. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is about acknowledging discomfort and then using it in a positive way to enhance your life experience. A few keys to enhancing your ability to manage vulnerability and therefore better able to live a wholehearted life are; 1. Be open Sometimes the goals you want to achieve won’t be achieved in the exact path you expected, but it will always be worth it. You have to keep your heart and mind open to new ideas, a new career, new employers etc when it’s required. 2. Dare to show up No matter how uncomfortable, unqualified or unprepared you might think you are, always show up. Your current life isn’t a dress rehearsal for your next life! If it’s important to you, you must show up. 3. Set and respect your boundaries Set boundaries for your time, space and relationships, and after you’ve set your boundaries, respect them. Your goals this year are yours to achieve. Vulnerability is being able to let other people know when they have crossed boundaries that you never intended to be crossed. 4. Wholehearted living According to Brene’ Brown, wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. Too many people don’t think they are worthy of love, attention, support, promotion etc. This lack of self-love manifests itself in a myriad of ways that lead to people sabotaging the great things in their lives. As you go about the business of achieving your goals this year, you must believe that you are worthy of all you are striving for. You are enough. You are enough. You are enough. For the times when being vulnerable seems like the hardest thing to do, turn to the immortal words of Theodore Roosevelt: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood. Who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause. Who at best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…” Got an article you’d like to share with us? 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Chika Madubuko: Creating a platform of care and support for the elderly
[bctt tweet=”I was able to identify winning business routes and steered Greymate Care in that direction” via=”no”] A young woman’s trouble in finding a safe and reliable caregiver for her bedridden granny, made her think of filling that void for others. As a #MotherlandMogul who believes in improving the African economy by identifying and solving problems, Chika Madubuko is using technology to support Nigerians, one elderly and disabled person at a time. Making life easier in Africa is one of the causes Chika is passionate about, she has businesses in the agricultural and health sector including her caregiving online platform Greymate Care. Greymate Care offers a safe and secure platform for people to look for a caregiver for their elderly family. With experience in multinationals such as Amazon Inc. and Guinness, Chika is gradually turning Greymate Care into an empire and improving the lives of the vulnerable people. In this interview, Chika talks about the selflessness and business acumen of African women when it comes to unconventional business ideas. What is the story behind the birth of Greymate Care? Greymate Care was created so Nigerians never have to experience the same hassle we did when my granny became bedridden due to diabetes. We were all busy and couldn’t provide her with the care she deserved. Hiring a caregiver for her was so complicated. Sometimes miles were travelled in futility to interview one caregiver, and we often ended up with a poorly trained caregiver. Not to forget the security issues that had to do with having a total stranger in the home. I asked around and discovered it was not peculiar to our family. The busy professionals complained too. Greymate Care addresses the problem and is an online platform that connects the vulnerable to a competent, insured, and professional caregiver. Our caregivers are background checked thus taking the stress of care off busy professionals. The icing on the cake is that you can get even a doctor or a nurse from the platform. Even in the event there’s a strike, doctors never have to worry as there is a source of income for them. [bctt tweet=”The African market is a very unique one and a foreign business idea would fail if necessary tweaks are not carried out” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] What skills have come to play for you in the course of running your business? My meticulous nature and business acumen have been pivotal to the success of Greymate Care. I was able to identify winning business routes and steered Greymate Care in that direction. The business also requires a lot of personalised activities per service user; I could spot each peculiarity by paying attention to detail. Did you experience hiccups in localizing this western business concept into the African market? And how did you scale through? The African market is a very unique one and a foreign business idea would fail if necessary tweaks are not carried out. One marketing or recruitment error can grind the business to a total halt. For Greymate Care, it was hard initially to convince everyone on the value chain, from the investors to the consumers. The consumers were worried about safety due to concerns about crime rate and the investors, viability. We subscribed to premium insurance and background checks from experts and with that, we were able to convince the prospects on security. They were converted to paying clients, and when the numbers increased, the investors became convinced on viability. What business support(s) have helped you so far in the course of running your business? Mentorship from successful entrepreneurs has helped a lot. Attending relevant networking events has also proven useful in the growth of Greymate Care. [bctt tweet=”Build an excellent product and watch it sell itself – Chika Madubuko” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] How do you sell your business to your clients and make them trust you? First is developing a good product that speaks for itself, our methods are different. For example, instead of manually lifting a service user, we insisted on hoists. We then sell our uniqueness and reviews from existing customers through social media, press releases, and offline marketing. Our best bet is influencer marketing where we partner with key individuals/firms and gain referrals from them. Gaining their support is easy as our services are unique and of world standard. Our mantra remains ‘build an excellent product and watch it sell itself’. What four words resonates with your business Priority, Attention, Technology, Compassionate. [bctt tweet=”With the right business strategies, your market share will be significant – Chika Madubuko” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] As a young entrepreneur, what are your expectations in the business world? I am mentally prepared for the daunting process called entrepreneurship. I hope to achieve my milestones, such as gaining 30,000 service users by 2018, and raising enough funds to expand to other African countries like Kenya and Ghana. Does monopoly from a starting a new business concept play any role for start-ups? Running a monopolistic business can be likened to a life-size oxymoron. With the right business strategies, your market share will be significant but your marketing budget has to be really high since you’re first on the scene. If not Greymate Care, what other name would you go for? Iya Care If you’d like to share your story with She Leads Africa, let us know more about you and your story here.
Young women and marriage: 3 conversations we keep having
Some days ago on a road trip to IITA Ibadan for my company’s annual retreat, there was this huge debate between what I have chosen to call the new school modern family values enthusiasts and the old school traditional family values enthusiasts, over married women and their career choices/decisions. It was a long and interesting conversation, voices were raised, opinions flew back and forth, words were exchanged (although with no ill intents), feelings and sentiments were bruised, perspectives were vehemently challenged and even faith was questioned. At the end of the trip (and as such the conversation), there was no victor and no vanquished, proving (yet again) that: Opinions are formed over time, experiences and the accumulation of a body of knowledge and it takes more than one heated conversation to get people to change those opinions. Back to the reason we are all gathered here today, I think that because of my age, most of the conversations I have with family, friends, acquaintances and even colleagues are pivoted around, you-guessed-right! Marriage. So, while we talk business, entrepreneurship, career and our shared ambition to take over the world, we should also take a moment to address the pink elephant in the room. So, tag along while I attempt to dissect some of the concerns we young women have when it comes to the institution of marriage. The validity of aspiring to marriage With Chimamanda Adichie’s 2013 TED talk (made even popular by Beyonce’s inclusion in the song, Flawless) finding its way into mainstream culture and conversations, we women are gradually being liberated from that flawed conviction that marriage is the gold standard and a ‘mark of success in life’. While this can be called progress in some ways, it also has its downsides. Hold on, let me explain. The feminist-driven academic and journalistic culture celebrating today’s “liberated” women, also in some ways, seeks to suppress a natural need for family that most women have. In recent times, there has been a blizzard of anti-marriage sentiments shared vocally among the female folks especially across social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook. And this is largely because most of them do not want to be seen as aspiring to marriage but hand on heart – and this is quite controversial. I do not know of one woman who does not want to have her own husband and possibly children to come home to after a long day at work. When discussing the issue in an open and public platform, most young women would be quick to put up an air of indifference with respect to marriage but get her alone and the story would be entirely different. There, I’ve said it! (But let’s not forget that this is an entirely unscientific view based only on my circle of friends, acquaintances and interactions with random people). Therefore, my take on this issue is rather simple: as much as marriage is not the holy grail of womanhood, I think wanting to be married and subsequently aspiring to it, is valid! As such, you are allowed to be intentional about it, as you are with work/business. (For more on this please try reading this from Dr. Meg Jay). The dichotomy between marriage and work In 2011, the COO of Facebook Sheryl Sandberg made a statement that went viral; “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.” I only came across this statement last year and it was insightful for me because it reaffirmed a conviction that I have always held and still hold; that the man I marry would take me one step closer to my biggest dreams. Before going further, I should clearly state that I have nothing against stay-at-home mums. On the contrary, any woman who readily gives up the fancy skirt suits and board meetings for house cleaning and grocery shopping has my respect. However, I do not think that marriage and even motherhood has to be a stumbling block on a woman’s pathway to progress. Society typically expects the woman to lean back and make only those career moves that are convenient for her status as a married woman but that does not always have to be the case. Family is a collective and shared responsibility placed equally on both the man and the woman even though both have to function in different capacities. With proper planning, communication and understanding between partners, I believe it is possible for both to raise a decent family without anyone’s dreams or goals suffering for it. This is where Sheryl’s statement becomes important. Because for this to happen and for this system to work, you need a man who acknowledges the validity of your dreams, believes in the weight of your ambitions and is ready and willing to support you towards reaching your goals regardless of what that ‘support’ might involve. So yes, married or single, you are allowed to aspire to heights unimaginable in your personal and professional life and marriage if done right, would serve as a catalyst and not a distraction. Knowing when enough is enough! There are reports that say that every fourth Nigerian woman suffers some form of domestic violence in her life time. The worst forms of these are usually battering, trafficking, rape and homicide. And it seems only sensible that I lend my voice to this recurring social menace that is plaguing our society, the institution of marriage and women in particular. This is however not to say that men do not suffer domestic abuse or to disregard that possibility. On this issue, there really isn’t so much I have to say that would be entirely new to you but this, LEAVE! If you unfortunately find yourself in an abusive relationship, before you consider any other solution or any form of therapy, get yourself out of that situation and environment. No man is allowed to hit you out of love or in an attempt to discipline you or for any other reason that you may want to let yourself believe.